Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
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She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
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I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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