There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
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Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
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she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
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