how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
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I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
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I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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