She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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