Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
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Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
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