we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
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She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
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They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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