I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
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It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
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Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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