her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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