at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
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There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
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We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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