And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
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Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
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If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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