guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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