if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
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If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
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I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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