I faked an abortion last night.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
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I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
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can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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