Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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