I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Randomize