I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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