just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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