took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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