how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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