Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
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I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
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I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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