i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
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I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
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do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
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