I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize