If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
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