I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
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I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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