I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
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This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
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I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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