I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
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i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
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Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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