I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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