if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
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We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
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i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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