Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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