Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
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Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
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I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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