New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
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I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
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No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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