Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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