Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
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He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
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That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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