Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
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I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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