Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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