Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize