u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
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no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
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If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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