My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
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i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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