We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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