By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
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of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
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