I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
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he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
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Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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