Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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