Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
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There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
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Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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