I wish I could punch you in the face.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
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She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
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I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
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