We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
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oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
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It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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