Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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