the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize