The maid of honor just puked.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize