I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Come back. Shots need mouths.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
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