Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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